Casino City's Corfmans Locked Together in Velcro "Incident"
Casino City CEO Michael Corfman and his wife Sylvia are under observation at Mass General Hospital on Wednesday morning after a bizarre series of events left the couple locked together in Velcro in their offices in Newton, Mass. Corfman is scheduled to battle Ken Dreifach, formerly of the New York State Attorney General's Office, in a Velcro Drag Race Grudge Match at the Global Interactive Gaming Summit & Expo (GIGSE) in Montreal on Thursday. While the event was organized as a charity fundraiser, Corfman's relentless competitive attitude ultimately played a large part in his hospitalization.Corfman had employed traditional training methods for months, including pedaling on a mini-stationary bike while at his computer. But as the competition drew near, he also allegedly sought out extra help from BALCO founder Victor Conte.
A close associate reports hearing Corfman say: "If Barry Bonds can challenge Babe Ruth's home run numbers with Conte, I should mop up the floor with Dreifach!"
Recent reports indicate that Conte mixed canine growth hormones with anabolic steroids for Corfman's use. It now appears that the performance enhancing supplement, combined with a full moon on Saturday night, produced an unexpected result, with Corfman transforming into a Velcro Werewolf with hooks growing out of his pores.
Corfman became alarmed after seeing the change in his appearance. He ran to his wife Sylvia for help, but ironically the change in his skin condition produced an allergic reaction in Sylvia, resulting in a fluffy skin coating. Dismissing their new differences and searching for comfort, the twosome became entangled in a Velcro embrace.
In an attempt to avoid embarrassing media involvement, the Corfmans contacted a discreet dermatologist to separate themselves. Treatment was delayed however, as a wire transfer from the Corfmans to the doctor was intercepted by the Treasury Department as a precaution against money laundering.
Finally giving in to exhaustion, the couple took an ambulance to the emergency room at Mass General on Sunday and underwent surgery. Michael Corfman remains "questionable" for Thursday's Velcro Drag Race.
His eligibility has yet to be confirmed by Bryan Bailey, the CEO of Casinomeister, who vowed to introduce drug testing this year to keep the Velcro Race free of the cheating scandals that have marred previous GIGSE Grudge Matches.
"GIGSE Grudge Match Champion is one of the most sought-after titles in the industry," Bailey said. "How are we going to describe this era to our kids?"
Corfman, whose werewolf Velcro hooks are now receding thanks to the waning moon, refuses to address the performance enhancing drug controversy, answering reporters' questions with his own: "Does anyone want to talk about Velcro Drag Racing?"
Regardless of his health and the outcome of Bailey's investigation, Corfman vows to beat all odds and not only participate in the Velcro Drag Race, but to beat Dietrich handily.
"It's not even going to be close," Corfman said. "Regardless of any distractions you all want to pay attention to, I'm just going to go out and win this race."